we strove.
Banners
raised above
the howling throng.
Our voices
took hold.
Hooked through flesh and bone
sinew for chains
we hung ourselves out upon
the dead oak branches.
Weeping
steeped in lore
ancient tears
trembled
and spilled upon
us.
Faces upraised
to receive sorrows
We took our faith
and broke it upon the surface of
La Tene
a thousand years past.
The offerings have changed
with the advent of isolation.
We have
only moments to give.
Where blood was once
the chant of hymn
Sacrifice
the succour of bountiful
pulsing life.
Beholden to none
we share stone and shield.
Frail ceramics
to remember us.
Pewter vessels
moulded in the softening fires
of the slain
Cooled in the raging mill pond
of time.
Mica shall be the colour of renewal
chipped and polished to gleam.
Embraced
I am Christ and Allah
Buddha and Vishnu.
Empowered
I am the earth mother
sleeping as my breast
feeds the multitude.
In unity
we return
*Note* I have trimmed out some of the early modifiers, thoughts?
11 comments:
this came together for me here:
Embraced
I am Christ and Allah
Buddha and Vishnu.
Empowered
I am the earth mother
sleeping as my breast
feeds the multitude.
In unity
we return
I would look at making this poem as spare as you can? There's so much power in the subject it carries its own wieght without any excess words needed. Nice work.
shit, that's twice this morning already I've misspelt 'weight'! sheesh!
So are you thinking, drop the opening section entirely and start at this point then?
nonononono not at all! never!
just ... hmm ... trim back as much as you feel able????
something like that.
No, I don't think much will alter. just a word here and there might go.
sorry, i wasn't very specific was I?
I just mean to say what you have to as minimally as possible.
That may not mean changes at all for you. It all depends on whether you think you could spare anything you have here or not.
I was just affling I think really ... sigh ...
Cool
I will reexamine and see what I can trim down, thankyou for your help on this, its a piece I would like to make the best I can, It has potential I think.
What the hell is affling LOL
It sounds facinating *grin*
ahem ... 'waffling'
sigh
oh yeah, that's looking good.
Not to be pedantic, but can you hew pewter? might have to be moulded or something maybe? or forged? lol ... what DOES one do with pewter?
Soft metal
Not hewable as such *laughing*
damn
Your right, its an absurdity
I will fix, I'll just drop the descriptive altogether, it reads fine without it.
Other than that, wadda ya reckon?
ready to post?
I keep stopping at that line, 'a weeping'
it makes me think of nursery rhymes, 'daddy goes a-hunting', stuff like that.
Can you do without the 'a'?
Other than that I think you're good to go. :)
I will change it, I can see what you mean Moonie
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