She came to him
bare feet gliding over
her own reflection
as he flowed around her
a gentle constancy.
Soft silver
caressing her
from before and after
he glided past.
She would kneel within
his
cool embrace
dip her hand
to
caress the vibrancy
as he splayed her fingers apart.
He
became the rush
and she
forgot herself
Summer brought her to
shadowed bends
where long willow fronds
hung low over long grass banks
edged in morning glory and mist flower.
She would curl her legs beneath her
and listen
as he spoke
the shame of moss
how it never grew
where the sun would
find it
how it hugged the shadows
seeking only to cling
and
never stand alone.
He told her
how pebbles
loved to laugh
and beckoned her closer
till she could hear
the chuckling
as he moved amongst them.
Sometimes
he allowed her
to dive into him
when the morning air
clung
to her
and sweat molded her
white blouse
to the curve of breast
the arch of back
the small round of belly.
He embraced her naked
chilling skin
till she was covered in goose flesh
shivering in the early days heat.
She would submerge
sinking ever deeper
to seek him
but always
come up gasping
her grasping fingers
never quite reaching.
When she asked him
if she would ever stand within him
he turned colder
rushed past her
his surface
flecked and swirled
in foaming Grey disarray
He rose then
higher
and higher
till she was forced to cling to the shore
holding her head above him
imploring.
He relented
and fell away
a flash flood come and gone
scattered debris
his only comment
She ran
droplets spraying from her
to fall and nurture parched earth.
Later
days to
weeks to years
she returned
found him
frozen over
a hard shell
keeping secrets
beneath.
Tentative
she stepped
onto him
knelt
and tried to see his face
Ice
reflected her wavering image
and nothing else
Authors Note. I have tried to combine elements of my writing from years ago with the
skill set I have now as a poet. Initially, I feel it went quite well, this combination, but in the end, I was left dissatisfied with the result, please feel free to give me your opinion on it as I am keen to resolve what went wrong.
Either that or I suck and therefore, should immediately explode and allow the small rodents of this world to pick over my bones, perhaps they will figure it out
7 comments:
I have a very long day at work today. Start at 11am and finish at 1am tomorrow.
I'll look at this over the weekend when I'm fresh and have enough time to do it properly.
Have a good weekend.
Hey kid, cool, no problemo
Have a good day :)
It makes me sad to see a disclaimer at the bottom. I'm no poet but I think it's perfect as is. I loved the ending.
I'm not objective either though. Just a huge fan of your words. :)
Hi Bridget
Nice to see you here again :)
I will not bore you with a long winded explanation *grin*
I wanted this piece to soar, to attain heights I sometimes feel I achieve, but I didn't get there.
Its like striving for an orgasm and then almost...but not quite lol.
You come away breathless, sweaty and a little irritated *laughs*
Seriously, there is an element missing I cannot quite put my finger on, something concrete to anchor the poem...something.
Thank-you for enjoying it though, it gives me hope the piece has the potential to get there.
sorry, just deleted my last post to edit out the ATROCIOUS typos etc!!
Yes, something concrete to anchor it. That's exactly what I missed as I read it.
Let me see ...
I think actually, maybe it's just the title? I thought the 'he' in the poem was water? But I'm not sure how that related to 'Past and Present'?
It sort of confused me trying to mesh the title with the poem's content.
The other thing you might think about is the choice of he/she instead of names.
I don't know whether names are possible with what you intend here, but the constant he/she seemed a bit intrusive and vague.
Would it ruin the poem if you named him as water in some way? Or named her? Or even both of them?
I think the poem works fine, I just think you have kept the identities too shadowy to engage the reader???
Sometimes when I write something it takes me a while for those kind of details to solidify. I have to think really hard to get 'who' or 'what' it was really about and to incorporate that into the poem. But I think if you really look inside yourself you will know what you meant to be saying. Find a slightly more concrete way of introducing that into the poem.
It won't be big changes, just as small as actually namimg the he/she probably, to make the poem stand up on its own. And a more indicative title.
These are my thoughts anyway. See if they make any sense to you.
:)
Excellent
This poem has been driving me spare honestly
I think you definitely have something there, I will work on the names and see what evolves
I never tend to spend a huge amount of time on a piece, because I find it difficult to maintain the feeling of it for extended periods, but this one has been floating around me for weeks, and it will not relent.
I have worked it, reworked it, pared it down
all sorts of stuff but still success with it has eluded me
Thank you
both for being gentle about it *smile*
and for coming up with something I should have seen myself *slaps forehead*
At least I have a direction to go now
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